It comes out as a jolt, that suddenly makes everything appear as it really is. The beautiful veil of daydream and imagination dissipates in a snap.
It is so difficult to have no clear goal in mind, you end up traversing or rather tiptoeing on so many different possible paths to no avail and then you end up feeling more lost than when you first came and then hurt as if life owed you and took something you think you should have when you clearly do not. Life does not ever owe anyone anything..
But I believe I owe it to myself to go beyond the hurt and see life as a mirror, a reflective presence of quality and essence of being rather than a world of favors and favorites. I need to stop the comparison and the feeling that I am owed anything in this life.
I would like to just focus on this minute in which I am in, and then be grateful for it. That I get to think and reflect, that I get to have a chance to choose to live a better life, to be a better person who finally decides to let go of all the worries, societal expectations, self-doubt, judgment, jealousy, criticisms, merits and praises and all the other meaningless representations of identity.
Message to self: Just be whoever you feel you are and be grateful that you still have that chance to define yourself in a way that makes you feel wonderful because you have no one to please but you. Make gratitude an attitude. Give without expectations from the outside world, give because you receive the joy of just giving. Things fall into place without so much as lifting a finger. Let go of ideas that damage the soul and just open yourself up to life's surprises. Life doesn't owe you anything and you don't own anyone but you owe it to yourself to live life the best way you know how.
And I'm back.. unofficially. I don't know know yet.
Wow I've reread some posts, most of them, admittedly, forgotten. It struck me how easily I let words and raw emotions flow then and how reserved I seem to have become now. It made me laugh and realize I must have been more mature way back.. and I'm emotionally aging backwards. LOL. And the last post about my heartbreak was a blast from the past, it served its purpose of reflection. And it did nothing but make me smile and laugh a little..
Right now I would like to divert this post on what happened in between, then and now.. I should've continued writing for myself. It's a nice experience to look back and relive accounts of your own experiences. I tried to make other blogs other than this, as a way to escape but somehow I keep stumbling back on this one.. the very first one I made. It holds a sentimental feeling and mind you, I'm an emotional person but I much less show it.
3 years, I've grown for the better I believe. Still with the same blend of the -isms. But more realistically optimistic now and much more grateful. It's true how when you start to feel the challenges of being an adult, your world shifts a little and then you begin to mold yourself to a person that could carry, lend, toss the weight.
I've worked at one of the best hospitals in Manila for 6 years. I resigned just last year to pursue a more financially rewarding (fingers crossed) job but in the same field although in a foreign land where communication can be a barrier. I'm now an overseas worker or what others may call modern day hero. lol. A term social media and government use to call those who help strengthen the country's economy since politicians are just so damn useful. (Hope the cynicism was felt) lol. Anyway, here I am alone (in a sense that I'm away from any blood relative) but not lonely (well not always) and experiencing things for the first time. It's a new way of living. And I'm excited to tell myself all about it.. (you know when I come back to this page when I'm 40 or so) :)
Tomorrow will be my last day of mourning for a loss.. a loss I have known/felt deep within to be inevitable since the day my heart broke for the first time.
This entry will serve its purpose in due time. I am writing about this pain and how I go about it everyday. I lost a person I once thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Words aren't enough to describe how difficult and heavy the feeling was when it came to me. I felt my hands and feet as they got cold and how my heart worked overtime for oxygen to circulate throughout my body so to keep the very life within me alive as if it depended on it.There were days when pain consumed me as if it could swallow me whole with one effortless gulp. I cried my heart out at a certain point but as days went by, I realized how much of a wake up call it was for me. I've awoken to a different reality where you come to know that everyone is just capable of doing just about anything and that you can never really rely on anybody for they will all disappoint at one point or another. We are flawed as humans. It took me weeks to accept how things are and once I did, I learned to surrender, genuinely.
Once in a while, I still get sad but I choose not to dwell on it for long, I know a much better purpose is up ahead. I see what happened more as a divine intervention rather than a punishment. It was already going downhill so I knew that it was the right call I just ignored most of the signs. And tomorrow is the last day that I will cry about it. I gave myself the time I needed to feel the pain and I can only be ready to move on from here.
I no longer feel angry or guilty. I am on a gradual enhancement with my relationship with God and still gaining a deeper understanding of myself. There is something to gain for each fall, lessons embedded within each scar. I am saved and loved, always. My heart (symbolically speaking) had been shattered to pieces but one day I will wake up and feel it full again and I know through whatever, It will always come back full.
The core message is: It gets better. Let go and let God. There is no pain He cannot heal. Trust and surrender control, for whatever plans He has for you will manifest in His time.
Back in the days where a professor makes you read certain books and articles and asks you to write your understanding of what you've read is now to me a reasonable form of institutional practiced exercise that serves its purpose, well in the sense that everything we encounter we derive some form of opinion or acquire basic to advanced form of knowledge of what could be necessary in our day to day life... that is to think, to know and understand, and eventually practice and if not at least create our own versions of truth, which to me now is relative.
I've found myself magnetized to certain books that dwell on philosophical teachings of one's own, the study of self. By golly, there are quite a number of them. Right now I've started on the first few pages of the book by Eckart Tolle. I find it so interesting and enlightening. Well, it's going to take probably another lifetime for me to reach that point of zen that wise philosophers or students of philosophy have or have almost reached in theirs. I identified immensely with what was written with regards to emotions and the ego. I accept that most of the time, they control how I react to situations, how I think beforehand, and how everything that is happening to me reflected my past. Which it shouldn't, given the right amount of conscious thinking and being present to the present, watch what and how i think. Be my own constant observer. I do not want to be chained up and identified with emotional pain and failures from past experiences and mistake them for who I am. Believe it or not, I am not my emotions. A skeptic at first, I was.
A person once told me that when caught in a middle of a bad situation, picture yourself apart from it. Acknowledge what is, but detach yourself from feeling as if you're the victim. Sometimes we get so attached with the drama that we start to be comfortable with it and knowing that we could consciously live without it would instill some form of anxiety and fear of loss of what's familiar. It shook me for I haven't really thought about it that way. I didn't understand how it should be. I didn't realize how caught up I was with my own entanglements that any form of higher thinking beyond that seemed unimaginable to me and I felt stuck with the same sh*t over and over, pardon my French. I just felt relieved knowing I can unload, funny how it took a book to awaken my senses. There's something within, which I can't touch nor explain but that I feel exists. And that 'something' makes me happy without reason or fear.
And now, as each day comes. I will do my best to live consciously. Oh let me say, live presently. It's something I want for myself. This entry will serve as a virtual reminder. Oh, the wonders of technology. ;)
A high school friend posted a link
on FB on 30 things not to do in this life. I found it rather encouraging
and inspiring so I thought I'd create an entry for me to remember the
pointers but instead of Don'ts I transformed them to Do's just to give
it a positive tone, which is more inviting for me personally..
Sort of a YES, man kind of act, like in the movie. Anyway here goes.
30 Things to Do.
1. Spend time with the right people. 2. Face your problems. 3. Stay true to yourself. 4. Know that it's okay to put your needs first. 5. Be yourself. 6. Live in the present. 7. Forgive yourself. 8. Deserve the happiness. 9. Happiness begins with yourself. 10. Take actions. Take risks. 11. Think you're ready. 12. Get involve in relationships for the right reasons. 13. Be brave. 14. Welcome new relationships. 15. Concentrate on beating your own record. 16. Appreciate what you have. 17. Accept yourself, good and bad. 18. Let go of anger and grudges. 19. Create a platform of standard in dealing with people. 20. Take a breather. Do things differently to acquire different results. 21. Remember to do whatever you know in your heart is right. 22. Appreciate the beauty of small moments. 23. Appreciate the flaws of certain things. Real world doesn't reward perfectionism. 24. Do something extraordinary. Take the road less traveled. 25. Know when things are not okay and deal with them. 26. Own your faults. 27. Prioritize. 28. Liberate yourself from too much worries. 29. Focus on what you want to happen. 30. Be grateful.
It occurs to me that majority of us get side tracked alongside life that we most often that not forget what/who truly matters. (And to consider that a portion of us may still not know)
At the end of the day.. with the conscious realization that all lifespan comes to an end.. Say 70-80 or 90 years in a human life if one is lucky enough in this day and age.. how would you decide to spend each and every waking day, well early in life when you still have all the chance in the world?
Let it not be too late. It doesn't have to take a major cosmological phenomena to finally set our priorities straight.
Love genuinely. Be true to express yourself. Make time to do the things that you love with the person or persons you love the most. It is the best invaluable investment you will ever make, I believe.
And pray. (Faith will always go a long way.)
Make it a life of significance. Everyday is a day of possibilities. You may never know when your time is up.