Sitting somewhere at home, still musing on what to write.. whether it be of substance is now out of the question, I can't seem to grasp on a good topic/idea for today's entry so I end up just opening several tabs and browsing through my email, facebook, friendster, twitter, plurk.. etc. but hardly updating any of those either I decide to just go back here.

Then silence.

Hahaha. Kainis.
 

happyyyyyyyyy. I think.


Did you know that..

hippopotomonstrosesquipedialiophobia is the fear of long words?

Situation:

Patient: "Doc, I have this fear called hip p.. po.. AaaaaAAAAckk $#%!!"
Doc: "Oh, do you mean hippopotomonstrosesquipedialiophobia?"
Patient: "AaaaaAAAAckk $#%!" *smacks doctor then flees*

LOL.

How much more irony do we have to endure in this life?

Off from work today, I decide to just stay home. Weather's a bit gloomy so I considered it best to just sit back, relax probably read and/or update my long forgotten blog site. haha.. I sort of miss doing this.

Been busy with work for the past couple of months but I'm learning to treasure the days when I get to do other things beside IT. It truly is important to have that time for yourself, for friends and families alike.

Well but I also should be doing something rather relevant to my future plans but the mere thought of it makes me shiver so I sort of have difficulty going through the motions. Admittedly, It's how I am sometimes.

But as some say, the scarier it is, the more fulfilling it gets once accomplished. I hope to openly talk about it someday but I'd have to earn the right to first.

I need to gather enough strength and motivation, it's something I really want to do and become in this life.

So help me God.

So this is what it feels like to be busy and slightly out of the weather at the same time.. hahaha. I kind of prefer it in some sense, prevents me from immersing in my usual thoughts.. an excuse good enough for me.. for now.

I'm still at the phase of figuring out my life...  finding ways of finding out who I am, how I am in relation to others and so on, my plans of the future, short term goals, etc.

At this point I seem to be keeping myself busy, living on a schedule. I just hate to think that this is becoming some sort of escape from the inevitable..

Pause.

But then I don't want to wake up one day, say several years from now, wondering what the hell happened with my life..

Pause.

It's difficult now for I do not know where to start.

Pause.

*Sighs* Good night. Still have lots of things to do in the morning.

...

I don't really express myself very well emotionally.. seems I'm not that kind. I don't like people knowing exactly what I feel, I prefer not to be visibly miserable, helplessly transparent for all to see. I find comfort in knowing I'm okay despite my so called dramas in life, I absolve myself of having to feel guilty towards anyone who may involve themselves in my personal dilemmas, not like they'd really be interested anyway. Or maybe I just fear that I might not be able to capture the exact words to express what I really want to say that I end up just being all the more misunderstood.. or impatient of having to explain myself in the first place. It's a personal battle.. or a quest, maybe a lifelong phase.

I know I have to have some sort of emotional 'outbox.' I admit things can get quite unbearable to hold in sometimes. Prayers have helped me all throughout. He has been and will always be my ultimate shock absorber. And this blog will also serve as my outlet. Been away for awhile.. just a precaution I have to take. I feel ok for it to stay now.

It's just me.. just how I want things to be. It's what works. And in that area of my life, I admit to being selfish..

I was rummaging the pages of my college yearbook when I realized there are thousands of faces there I hardly recognize hahaha.. quite literally and I'm sure that the same goes for those thousands, who I've just mentioned, as well.

In a way it's still nice to know them even in pictures and short descriptions.. shows a fragment of what they are like.. still I do not know for certain how certain those short descriptions are but still it still gives me an idea. It's a bit crazy how we spent 4 years mindlessly passing each other along corridors not knowing we belong in the same batch.. undertaking the same course even. LOL. Or that maybe we didn't care to know. That's how it is I guess.. you identify your circles and then you stick by them. A relative concept, of course.

I will always treasure the page where our dean's message is.. markedly on one of the 1st pages of the yearbook. I read it and it made me appreciate what I do more and where I'm at at the moment. And how very timely at that. I felt a sense of renewed strength, hope, and promise. She came when we were on our 3rd year and yet she was able to pose such magnitude over all of us.. thousands as we were. She is one of the few people I know who has the ability to say very little but mean so much. Funny, humble, brilliant, and inspiring in a very effortless manner. Such a positive force. I'm blessed to have known that such person exists.

Oops.. past 8.. have to get ready for something.. To be continued. :)

I couldn't sleep just yet.. in front of pc while listening to some Jack Johnson tunes and thinking of what to write.

I feel tired but I guess it's better to feel tired than feel nothing at all.

I feel grateful...

I feel.

Looking out from where I am I can see some pinkish glow from outside the window.. tainted with a somewhat yellowish orange hue from the once blue sky. Sunset is nearing, the magnificence will only last a while and soon it'll be dark. How oftentimes I long for such moments to last but one can only hold on for so long. The sun will have to shine again tomorrow and the day to start over again..

Live and let go.. or vice versa.

I feel the urge to blog again, not only because I miss it, but also because I would like to go on ranting, rather divulging my thoughts, without the trouble of having to worry so much about other people's judgments and/or reactions. I wouldn't know them anyway, they wouldn't know this and I do not talk to anyone directly through my entries. And come to think of it, there's really not much written here. lol. It feels like this is my space, I am free to write these nonsense that comes out of my head from whatever miniscule sized brain cell it came from and it's okay. Like an entitlement to act silly without having to worry about who's laughing.. or not. Freedom from scrutiny, although not quite.

I guess I'd also better keep track of my so called life or thoughts so I blog since my memory.. Oh, but I think this has nothing to do with my memory, I know I can remember. I just have to improve on active listening. (A goal here already, note of what I should work on.. so this is also my mode of self reflection). Hopefully the herbal supplements I am taking reach their desired effects. lol

Haha.. So much for that grueling introduction. Now for the body, hm.....................

Hmm.. maybe I'll try again later. Currently not big on sharing right now.

Well that's one thing about freedom, got to exercise it someway, somehow..

08-08-08 :)